Jesus Broke My Heart
The other day, Jesus broke my heart.
And it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
But, let me back up a minute.
It started a couple weeks ago, when He started speaking about me receiving His love. His unconditional love. We’ve been on a long journey, bringing me out of religion, perfectionism and a works-based mentality. He’s taught me about His grace, His sovereignty and His faithfulness.
He’s shown me how He’s been in control even when I didn’t think He was. He’s shown me how His grace covers me even when I “mess up.” He’s shown me that I’m not even really “messing up” when I think I am because I can only do what He lets me do anyway.
It’s been amazing, enlightening and freeing.
But, there’s was still one part that seemed to be eluding me. One MAJOR part. His love.
It’s not that I didn’t understand His love in an intellectual way. Sure, I know that God loves me. I know that His love is unconditional. But, even though I knew it… didn’t mean that I felt it.
And actually, let me clarify that even more… I had indeed felt His love on many occasions. When He would show up and show out in my life with blessings and provision, when He would gently and lovingly walk me through something emotionally. But, what I realized was I still didn’t have a revelation of His love in my heart.
Which is why it would be so easy to flip back into doubt, worry and fear, even after He had just done something amazing in my life not that long before (hello, Israelites).
But, even though I knew this - that I needed a revelation of His love, that I needed it to really drop from my head into my heart and take root - I didn’t know how. I did know it wasn’t something I could make happen or conjure up. So, I did the only thing we can do - I asked God to give me a revelation of His love.
And boy, did He ever. But, not in the way I expected (isn’t that just like Him?).
No, the way this revelation came was completely unexpected. In fact, it came after I shared a Facebook post about the mask debacle. (I know, right?)
Looking back, I know this was the Holy Spirit totally setting me up. Because honestly, even though I did agree with everything this woman said in her post, I normally wouldn’t have shared it. Or if I did, it would’ve only been with a couple select friends. But, for some reason, this time… I shared it with several friends, my sister and even on both of my Facebook pages. And the thing is, I knew it was going to upset people. But, I didn’t care. Or should I say, I wasn’t scared about that.
So, I shared it and just like I thought, I immediately got negative responses - from a stranger on my ministry page, from one of my friends in a direct message and from my sister, also in a message. This wasn’t surprising to me in any way and really not anything new. Yet, in that moment, I got overwhelmed. Not by the mask stuff… by the bigger picture. Of people being divided. Of people being deceived. Of people being lost.
It all came down on me like a ton of bricks.
I was in the bathroom (a.k.a. my prayer closet) on the floor, praying and crying as I asked God (more like, begged God) to open their eyes and ears to the truth. To please forgive them for their words and actions because they didn’t know Him and didn’t know what they were doing. I begged. I cried. And I prayed some more.
But before long, the emotions just overtook me and I knew I was grieving not only in my own feelings, but the Holy Spirit’s. I felt the grief of all the people who don’t know Him and His love. And suddenly, all of the promises, all the things I have been waiting on God for quickly paled in comparison to the fate of these people. I found myself saying, “I still want your promises Lord and I still believe You’re going to do them, but none of that means anything if people are lost!”
I told Jesus I didn’t know how He did it. I didn’t know how He could carry this kind of emotion for ALL of mankind. I told Him I didn’t know how we were supposed to just be all joyful going to Heaven, when we saw all these other souls being lost. Did we see them? Did we remember? And how could we not be completely devastated by it?
I kept crying and kept praying until suddenly, I heard His gentle whisper say, “This is my Agape love.”
Immediately, He impressed upon my spirit - THIS is the love that He had been teaching me about. THIS was the unconditional love that God has for mankind and He was letting me feel the weight of it. And boy, was it immense.
The sheer weight of His love for the world broke my heart.
But, it was a good breaking. A beautiful breaking. I wept when I realized what I was feeling and immediately, I knew this was how we were called to love our neighbors and especially our enemies. THIS was the love we were called to walk in. Because it had nothing to do with emotions or feelings.
It had nothing to do with how a person treats us or whether they’re nice to us or not. It simply has to do with our love for them as a fellow human being. Of wanting them to know God, to know His love and to spend eternity with Him. Period.
In that moment, I didn’t care if you agreed with everything I posted or hated me and cussed me out. I was just begging God to save everyone. To open all of their eyes and hearts so they could be FREE and LOVED!
It humbled me and quieted me. Both spiritually and literally. I grew very quiet as I sat there and processed what He was allowing me to see and experience.
I had asked how He did it and He was telling me. This was how. This was how He was able to look in the faces of those who persecuted Him, called Him a liar, spit on Him, beat Him and even took Him to His death, and yet said… “Forgive them, Father.”
This was how.
Because it is a love that is not based on actions or behaviors or emotions. It is a choice. It is an act of will. It is a decision to love no matter what. And it comes only from Him.
It’s not something we can do in our own strength. That’s why our idea of love is only a shadow of God’s love. Man’s idea of love fails and falters. It gives up when things get tough. It varies on circumstances and other factors.
But, the love God has for humanity, the love He calls us to walk in - agape love - that kind of love…
is patient
is kind
is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude
does not demand its own way
is not irritable
keeps no record of being wronged
does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out
never gives up and never loses faith
is always hopeful
endures through every circumstance
That is the love God has for each and every one of us. And when we understand that, when we really understand that, then we are able to choose to extend that same to others. Because we know it has nothing to do with whether they deserve it or not. Because we don’t deserve it either.
But, God freely gives it to us anyway.
It also brings a WHOLE lot of clarity to John 13:35 too: “This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other.”
Jesus told the disciples that people would know they were His followers by the LOVE that they showed. And the same is supposed to be true for us today.
We are supposed to stand out from the rest of the world by the LOVE that we have for one another. It’s why Jesus also said the most important commandment is to love God and love our neighbor. It’s all about love. It’s always been about love.
But, somewhere along the way, amidst all of the religion and man-made doctrine, that’s gotten lost in the mix. It’s like a giant game of “telephone” where Jesus told us this way back in the beginning and then as the message got “passed” down the line, it got distorted into something completely different.
We (the Church) are supposed to be walking around in such ridiculous love that we stand out like sore thumbs. We are supposed to be making those who don’t know God stop and wonder, what is different about these people? How can they possibly love every one like that?
And unfortunately, thanks partly to our own human behaviors and partly to the schemes of the enemy, the world now pretty much thinks of the Church as the opposite.
But, now is the time when God is calling us back to the original design. Jesus is reminding us of why He came and the example He gave us to follow. And most importantly, the Holy Spirit is giving us the power to do what we cannot do on our own.
And that is to love like Him.
Jesus wants to break every one of our hearts the way He broke mine. Because He wants to know (really know) just how much He loves us, so we can go love people in the same way.
It’s not just about not caring what others think. Or not trying to convince them in your own strength. Those are both good things and part of your faith walk with the Lord. But, His love goes beyond, to another level where even though you know you can’t change how they think or feel, God can. And your part is to love them (no matter how they act) and pray for them. Fervently.
“I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them.” -1 Tim 2:1
Intercede on their behalf. Ask God to help them. And show them love in your own words and actions.
Yes, we need to use our gifts to grow the Kingdom, to bring God glory and to fulfill our purpose. But, if we do all of those things and never learned to love, we will ultimately have failed.
“If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.” -1 Cor 13:2
It’s what we are called to do.
It’s what we are purposed to do.
We were made to love.
