The Death of Comfort and Resurrection of Expectation: Lessons From Being Homeless

I am so excited and mind-blown right now that I hope I am able to rein my thoughts in to write this post. Oh and by the way, I am also technically homeless at the moment too.

So, how can I be so excited, expectant and full of joy when my physical situation appears to be so bleak?

To answer that completely, let me flash back a few years.

In May of 2017, I rather unexpectedly became homeless.

What’s interesting is, looking back… I didn’t even call it that. In fact, I never really considered myself “homeless” at any point for the last two and a half years. I preferred to call myself a “nomad” or a “full time traveler.” Maybe it sounded more romantic or something (in fact, most people who heard about how I lived were excited and intrigued by it). But, when it comes down to it, I didn’t really choose this lifestyle.

God chose it for me.

Yes, in 2015, I chose to downsize, get rid of about 80% of my belongings and move into a 160 square foot tiny house on wheels. But, when that quickly fell apart (literally), I went back to living with my former roommate for another year and a half. Since I had prayed the morning my builder came to pick up the house (and refund my money) and God told me “next time, let me do it My way,” I decided to just wait and see what He was going to do.

Little did I know what an adventure that would turn into.

See, often when it comes to God’s ways, we think we know how they’re going to play out. This will probably happen… It’ll probably happen in this order… He’s going to do this…

Ah, how God must have a good chuckle over us trying to figure out His ways.

So, when He said that to me back in 2015, I assumed (a word that has now officially become a curse word for me) that meant He was going to lead me to another house/builder that would work out better and that it would be very soon.

Not.

Instead, I lived with my roommate for another year and a half, until I had to move because her life circumstances were changing. Even though I was a little unsure of what to do, I prayed and immediately, God led me to another person in my life (an acquaintance from church) that I ended up moving in with. We were roommates for about 3 months before things unexpectedly took a turn for the worse, I had to move out and I found myself rather abruptly without a place to live.

It was scary for sure, but almost immediately, God provided a safe spot for me to land for the next two weeks and as I settled in that first night, whispered in my heart, “This is part of the journey. You’re going to have to start trusting Me now.”

I didn’t exactly know what He meant. But, I felt a lot better knowing that this seemingly unexpected situation was not only on His radar, but was part of His plan. So, I leaned in and started what would turn out to be one.crazy.journey.

Beginning with that first two-week stint (at a lakefront condo no less!), God continued to line up places for me to go one after the other in an almost unbelievable fashion. As soon as I’d be done at one place, another one would appear. I did house and pet sits for people, I helped people de-clutter and organize their homes, I traveled and spoke at tiny house and healthy living festivals and I visited friends and family.

It was such a unique and interesting way to live, that I honestly didn’t even think about the fact that I was indeed homeless. I had put my small amount of belongings in a storage unit and was traveling around with just my essentials and my dogs in my VW Beetle convertible.

And it worked well for awhile. But after about a year or so, I noticed God’s directions getting slightly less clear and more few and far between. Instead of knowing where I was going in days or weeks in advance, it would often get right up to the date where I needed to move and I didn’t have a new “assignment” yet. He always ended up coming through with something, but it had started to become more stressful.

Along the way, I had some wonderful experiences with friends who were also growing in their faith, even though many (if not most) of them couldn’t quite understand my lifestyle. But, in my heart, I knew I was right where God wanted me to be. He had been taking me through a “wilderness season” to prepare me for His calling for my life, to heal old wounds, to break off false beliefs I had picked up and to basically strip me down so He could build me back up.

But, when all of that came to a head just a little over a week ago, when for the first time in nearly 3 years, I had nowhere to go, it was still a little unnerving.

I knew God had me.
I knew God was with me.
I knew there was a purpose for it.
Yet… I was nervous. I was a little afraid. I was confused.

Why wasn’t He directing me this time? Why did I have absolutely no “appointments” in sight? Why were all of the usual doors “closed”? What was I supposed to do?

Over the course of the last few years, there had been maybe 3 or 4 times that I had ended up camping in my car. And by camping, I mean sleeping in a parking lot somewhere - usually a Walmart or a Cracker Barrel where other travelers and full time nomads gather to get some shut-eye.

But, there was always a “reason” for it. Once, He had told me I was waiting on someone else to realize I was supposed to come stay with them (for a spiritual reason). Another time, He told me it was to see if I was willing to surrender to whatever He wanted me to do.

But, this time, I thought for sure, I couldn’t possibly end up in my car. We were WAY beyond all of that. Especially since the beginning of 2019, I had grown by leaps and bounds in my relationship with the Lord. I had grown in my spiritual gifts, practically doubled my knowledge of the Bible, been through so much heart healing with Jesus and was surrendered to walking by the Spirit and not by my flesh (as best I could). Plus, God was constantly speaking to me about the new season I was entering… how the promises He had given me years ago were all about to come to fruition… so surely He had somewhere for me to go.

Until He didn’t.

I left my last pet sit, expecting to have somewhere to go… and I didn’t. There were no miraculous emails, text messages or phone calls. No “signs” from Heaven. Just… silence.

I was surprised.
I was confused.
I was disappointed.

Ok… I guess I’ll settle into my car for the night and something will “appear” tomorrow, I thought. Except, it didn’t. By the end of the second full day in my car, I thought for sure I had missed something. I called several of my “faith warrior” friends and we went over what I knew to try to find the missing link. But, we were stumped.

I knew God was the one behind it. It wasn’t an attack from the devil. I knew He was doing this for some reason. I just couldn’t for the life of me figure out what it was. And most of the day, I was so distracted by the constant stimulation of lights, cars, sounds and moving around, that I was having trouble concentrating and focusing in on His voice.

But, at night, when I’d go to settle in, I’d start to hear His gentle whispers. And while I was sleeping, He’d speak to me through dreams and song lyrics playing in my head. He was confirming that He was indeed with me and He hadn’t left me. I hadn’t missed anything. But, it still took a couple days before I finally got some clarity.

When I finally had a payment for some writing work come through one evening, I was relieved and immediately used part of it to get myself a hotel room (and a real bed!) for the night. Only to be convicted the next morning and find out I wasn’t “supposed” to do that. Now if you don’t know the Lord on a personal level yet, let me clarify something here. I know God’s heart and I know He is loving, faithful and is for me, so it wasn’t like He wanted to punish me by keeping me in my car. But, what He wanted me to see was that I hadn’t even paused to ask Him if that’s what He had provided the money for. Because as it turns out, He had actually provided it as an answer to my prayer from the day before (for a couple bills + a few needs), but because I hadn’t asked Him first before I got the hotel room, I had ended up using some of the money on the wrong thing.

Of course, if I wasn’t supposed to get the hotel room, then that meant I was supposed to still be in my car. Which perplexed me. I finally got my answer though that morning while I spent time in prayer before I checked out of the hotel. This time in the car - without a clear place to “run” to - it was for a purpose (as it always is with Him). Would I continue to choose my own comfort over His Kingdom purposes? Would I continue to try to assert my own will (even if it was within His plans) or would I lean in and trust His ways? Would I learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable? Would I find my security in Him alone? And could I learn to still pray, journal and commune with Him even when the conditions were less than ideal?

I felt particularly convicted when He reminded me of the missionaries that were serving in third world countries, having to hide away in buildings or avoid being attacked, yet they still managed to pray and spend time with Him. And here I was complaining about being stuck in my trendy convertible. Yikes.

But, it still wasn’t easy. Even though I understood what He was doing… the flesh is weak. I didn’t want to be in my car. I didn’t want to have to sleep sitting up. I didn’t want to eat all my meals out and have to use restrooms in stores or gas stations. I didn’t want my dogs to be cooped up in the backseat 24 hours a day.

But, I didn’t have a choice.

Not if I wanted to be obedient. Of course, we do have a choice in everything we do. We have free will. And some of you at this point may be wondering why in the world didn’t you do something?? Why didn’t you call someone? Ask someone if you could stay with them? Figure out a way to afford a hotel room? DO something??

Well… I did the one night and we saw how well that went. But also, overall, I wanted to be obedient. I wanted to be where God wanted me to be. Even if that meant sleeping in my car.

This is the part of obedience that people don’t want to talk about. The confusing, uncomfortable, less than exciting things we might be asked to do. But, the Bible does say “Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matt 16:24-25 ESV)

Now, let me take a moment right here to clarify that I am NOT saying look how great I am for being obedient. It sucked being in my car! And I was NOT happy! I did not exactly walk it out with grace and poise. And there were multiple times during the week where I tried to “figure it out” or “make” something else happen.

But, when it came down to it, my faith and my desire to please God and stay in His will outweighed anything my flesh or the enemy tried to get me to do. So, night after night, I prayed and hoped the next day would be different.

And it wasn’t until one full week had passed, on the seventh day (if you know anything about prophetic numbers, 7 means complete), that I finally got “it” fully.

At the beginning of the week, when I left the pet sit, I did feel the Lord whisper a friend’s name to me, but when I reached out to them, they had company staying in their guest room until the following Sunday, so I assumed (there’s that word again!) that I must’ve heard incorrectly. But now, at the end of the week, He reminded me of them and I was able to go stay at their house.

As it turns out, that was the plan all along. But again, because I had leaned on my own understanding, I had discounted it because it was 7 days away. Little did I know, that’s just how long the test was that God had for me.

As I sat in the car yesterday morning with my journal, I went over what I knew.

I knew He had been breaking me of choosing my comfort over His Kingdom purposes.
I knew He had been teaching me to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations.
I knew He was breaking me of choosing my will and my ways over His.
I knew He was teaching me to be able to pray and spend time with Him in any circumstance.
And I knew He was building a powerful testimony for people who were watching (as two different people testified to me during the week).

But, I knew in my spirit that there was more.

And once I got settled in at my friend’s house yesterday, the confusion lifted and I could finally hear Jesus clearly - I had let the disappointment, the frustration, the hardship and the lack of the last season steal my hope for this new one.

It was true - I had been through a long wilderness season of trials, testing, lack, hardship and pain. It was no joke. And it had all really happened. But, what I hadn’t realized was along the way… I had gotten used to expecting just that.

It’s why my feelings (and what I was seeing) wasn’t lining up with God’s Word. I knew His Word and His promises to me were full of joy, blessing, healing and provision. But, I was having trouble truly believing for them because what I saw seemed to be nothing but the opposite.

But, through this experience of being homeless for a week, through this test… this trial that forced my real emotions and the hidden beliefs in my heart to be exposed… I was able to see that I had carried all of those feelings from the last season into this new one.

Even though the Lord had told me that season was over and a new one had begun, I still expected the same outcomes. But, as He ever so lovingly reminded me, “Every season has to end. You wouldn’t expect to see the trees with leaves still on them in winter or snow in the summer. The season has to end and you have to MOVE ON.”

Then, He reminded me of a prophetic dream I had had about a week ago where I saw myself in the middle of a very dark night. It was scary and felt threatening until Jesus suddenly showed up, the sky lightened and I was released into my “Divine turnaround.” In the dream, I had literally turned my car around right next to a cemetery. I knew it symbolized the death of something, but I wasn’t sure what until yesterday.

It was the death of disappointment. And the resurrection of my hope. In order to turnaround, I had to lay down the disappointment and bitterness of the past and take the Lord at His word that this season IS different. I CAN trust His promises now because this IS a new season.

It was a rather unconventional path to get here. But, God will use what He has at His disposal. And wouldn’t you know it, the sermon at both my church (Elevation) and my “internet church” (Transformation Church in Tulsa, OK) just happened to be about this exact subject yesterday.

Steven Furtick preached about Lazarus and how Jesus chose to wait two days before He arrived at Martha and Mary’s house because He loved them. On the surface, it had looked like He let them down. But He wasn’t just after a healing, He was after a resurrection. And just like He hadn’t responded as quickly as I’d liked that first night in the car, He was after something greater. He didn’t just want to fix the physical situation by giving me somewhere to go, He wanted to resurrect my hope and my expectation that had died in the last season.

The pastor at Transformation (Tim Ross) spoke about passing a test with God that trains us and gives us experience that we wouldn’t have otherwise. How it helps to anchor us in our faith (like me finding my safety and refuge in Him and not a physical shelter) and how He will continue to have you re-take the test until you pass it (so, that’s what those other times in my car had been about…).

But, it wasn’t until the Holy Spirit made the connection for me with Abraham and the almost-sacrifice of Isaac that I got so excited I wanted to bust out of my skin. In Genesis, the Scripture says it was his “actions that made his faith complete.” I had been so worried all week about making sure I did the right thing, prayed the right thing or got through the trial with the best attitude I could, that I missed the point - I was demonstrating my faith by just being there. The very action of trusting Him in what seemed like an impossible situation and not giving up, but instead staying put and seeing how it was going to end - THAT was my faith. That was my worship.

Again, this is not a yay-me speech. This is a yay-God speech. Because like Pastor Ross said, when God is the one who puts you in a test, HE’s the one that will give you the strength to go through it. I wasn’t strong enough. I was weak. I was tired. I was frustrated. But, He got me through it. All I had to do was be willing to trust Him.

And now, on the “other side” of it, I know that I have a deeper, stronger anchor in my faith because I know I can go through things I don’t understand, things I don’t like, things that aren’t comfortable and things I don’t understand, but as long as I know who He is… I’ll be okay. Because HE is my strength, my refuge, my provision and my protection. Not a person, not a place, not a bank account balance or a circumstance.

I know this post was a story about me. I know it had a lot of “I’s” and “me’s” in it. But, I tell you this for you to see YOURSELF in it. I don’t know what situation God might have you in right now that doesn’t make sense. What circumstances you’re in right now that feel so uncomfortable that you want to jump out of your skin. But, I know what it’s like to feel like you’re suffocating or losing your mind.

But, TRUST THE PROCESS. Lean on what you know about God. Listen for His quiet whispers. And if you’re not hearing anything, be still. Don’t try to “figure it out” or change it on your own. Lean in, trust and declare your faith. Even if you have to do it 100 times a day.

He IS with you.
He IS still in control.
And He IS still working all things for your good.

In fact, I’d dare to say, it’s all going to work out for a more powerful testimony than you can even imagine. Not just for yourself. But more importantly, for the people around you that are watching. They need to see what you’re doing and what God’s doing so they can be encouraged and know they can make it too.

Whatever you’re struggling with - illness, addiction, relationship issues, mental health, financial difficulties - God can use it all. And He will if you let Him.

Hang in there.
Don’t give up.
God is about to use it for something BIG.

And it’s going to be amazing.

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